A few nights ago I had a dream.
I was in the office in work, two co-workers were in with me, one just pottering in the corridor outside, I was talking my usual work-gibberish as if it wasn’t even a dream.
My phone ringing interrupted DreamDan’s monologue to which I answered, shushing my colleagues as if the phone call potentially promised pressing news.
“Hello….?” I asked anxiously.
Interestingly, I couldn’t hear what was said on the phone, but I continued the conversation as if I could.
My free hand waving around excitedly as my colleagues all look on at me, clearly in this little dream dimension I had banged on about the anticipation of this phone call for a while.
“Oh my god!!! Thank you SO much! Is….Is there anywhere in particular I’m going??………..That’s amazing! Thank you sooooo much!”.
I hang up…..
“I GOT IT!” I scream as me, and the colleagues do a little hug and jump celebration. It was clear that DreamDan had landed a job abroad.
I woke up in my bed, duvet sprawled onto the clothes riddled floor, I check my phone, I’ve two hours until work and that familiar feeling of dread washes over me.
I set off to work, a now 45 minute uphill walk.
I sign in, and the same old routine begins again. Same odious, irritating, and bland customers I’m all too used to seeing on a daily basis as they follow the exact same routine themselves of gambling away their collected 20p’s and feverishly buy the cheapest ciders they can find. All the while carrying around a stench that can be smelt from half a shop away.
I return home, and essentially do little to nothing, unless some form of activity is planned in advance. I flirt with the idea of going to the gym, flirt with the idea of writing up a blog, heck, maybe push forward a romance that’s been on the cards for an actual length of months….But again, like every time…Nothing really comes of it.
I think I’m stuck in a rut.
In many aspects I have little to complain about. I have a litany of friends who constantly want to see me, I’m among the first invited to plans made. My colleagues are desperate in their attempts to get me on a staff night out as “it’ll be boring without me”
My love life, whilst a fucking mess is an entertaining one, and one worth writing and reading about.
Yet, here I am with this intense dissatisfaction in pretty much everything lately.
I can’t pinpoint when it happened. It’s recent, it’s lingering, and it’s fucking soul destroying.
I lie here, 4.30 in the morning the dawn of a New Year approaching, waiting for it to hit so I can try and make a decent start to it.
There’s an actual list of things I want to change about myself, my lack of drive, my lack of boldness, my lack of warmth, and these are just mental aspects.
I work in a place in which….On a good day, a really good day. I tolerate.
I see a romantic prospect wither away because I toyed around too much with it, or just lacked the balls to take it to any other step than ‘prospect’.
I look at pictures from just a year and a half ago in which I was bossing my weight loss journey.
And I look back to when my last post in this blog was posted…..June.
Odds are I’m going to abandon this one and start a fresh one come January.
I’ve always hated the saying “New Year, New Me”. But as this year, by all means a good year draws to an end, I welcome 2018 sceptically as I want…….I need this year to be the year I get my shit together, as I cannot allow myself to be this person much longer.
I just can’t.