One of my first entries upon starting this blog was one which I felt advertised me in both the wrong and correct light. The Socially Awkward Compendium, a collection of previous Facebook Status’s detailing awkward situations in which I somehow skyrocket into.
New readers can find said compendium right here.
However, this was way back when in July 2016. In the past nine months I’ve inevitably found myself in more shoddy situations that my own mouth have only made things a lot worst.
So, without much further delay. Here is the Second Socially Awkward Compendium….
1: JCB Horrors.
I’m in Morrisons and I just walked past one of those little kiddie rides.
“Hello! What’s your name?” It chirpily rang in a childish voice, so I thought naturally it’s a kid. (This is before seeing said ride)
Without a second thought, I turn around to “the child” and replied “oh it’s Dan!”
I then realise I’m instead talking to a talking children’s JCB. Pretty sure the staff realised too.
2: Phone Check
Dan is socially inept:
I head off to the shop, about 30 seconds into the journey I realised I left my card at home. So I do that stupid little ‘check your phone’ and turn around routine.
Upon taking my phone out, I take a few steps and put my phone back into my pocket. Doing so, I realise said card is in the other pocket.
Auto-pilot kicks in, I take my phone out AGAIN and turn around. Realising, in plain view of someone I’ve just done a full phone checking loop to loop in the form of a brisk walk.
I turn to them, and laugh.
Except I have a cough at the moment, which interrupted said laugh, so I basically stare this chap down and go “HAHHHHH” with extended wheezing.
I then pulled out my phone for a third time to write this status and I think I’m currently redder than blood itself
3: New Friend
In Wilko, came across this cardboard little prick, nearly bumping into ‘her’
Upon doing this, I let out a little surprised “whuuuuuuu?!?!” scream, nearly hitting her in the process.
In my panicked confusion, I realise she’s not real and somehow still make it worst for myself.
“Shit, sorry I thought you were a real person” I explain.
To the cardboard girl.
In front of people.
In the newest episode of Dan is socially inept:
I’m in Morrisons, where like 99% of these idiotic situations take place.
Packing my shopping away at the self service, the childhood Mickey Mouse plush that I’ve had since I was one tumbles out my bag. (Rescued it from my Grandads, the reason why I had it)
“Oh, Fucking hell Mick, you massive idiot” I murmur aloud in panic as I retrieve him, already turning a few heads.
Not wanting a repeat of this situation I decide to use my bags secondary compartment. I see a t-shirt inside that I decide to move.
Forgetting that said t shirt was absolutely plastered in glitter from a party weeks prior, I whip it out. Glitter flies EVERYWHERE.
“FuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuck” my inner monologue screams.
The woman on the self service noticed this, so I naively thought of making light of it.
“………… Talk about a GLIT-tastrophe!”
Still could’ve been worst. I nearly said “Clit-tastrophe” but still, fucking hell.
The belated ‘Dan Reed is an awkward mess. Christmas Special.
Just in Sainsburys once more, and our first problem was that I lived the life of an absolute mad man by opting to not take a basket with me. This of course leads to me juggling a heap of shopping around with me.
Our second problem was festive gluttony, as I saw some ‘Pigs in blankets’ flavoured Pringles. It’s now on the pile.
I walk down another aisle, and the Pringles loosen from my grip and is in a losing battle with gravity. “Ohhhhh!” I exclaim as I stick out my foot in a bid to sort of save them.
Anybody who has seen me try anything remotely sporty will know that me trying to save a tube of Pringles with my foot is a wasted endeavour. But in quite the plot twist, my foot made contact! Too hard, admittedly.
The tube ricocheted off my foot, and shot across the aisle like a fucking missile. Catching the attention of a nearby woman. (It nearly hit her, for one).
“I’ve got this” I think to myself.
It was easy, chuckle, say something like “Haha, whoops. I don’t like Pringles, apparently” and we’d all have a laugh.
She looks at me, I look at her. As cold as the fucking heart of your ex, I say stone faced “I hate Pringles”. Shoot off and awkwardly pick them up.
2016 has killed a lot off this year. Prince, Rickman, Fisher.
But it’s absolutely fucking massacred my dignity.
6: Fuck off and leave me alone.
Today in work. One of my most uncomfortable scenarios happened. Someone’s fucking kid started talking to me. It went as well as you’d expect.
Kid: Oooooooooooooooooh, I don’t know what sort of chocolate to get.
Me: -Pretends to not hear him-
Kid: Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm, What chocolate do you think I should get?
He literally approached me, couldn’t feign ignorance here.
Me: Well…….What’s your favourite?
Kid: ALL OF THEM (Well that’s fucking helpful, isn’t it mate).
What’s YOUR favourite?
Me: Hm, I like Twirls, Or Double Decker. Oh! Boost is good too, but I only really have that when I’m hungover.
Kid: What’s a Double Decker? What’s a hungover?
Me: Oh yeah, you’re like….4 you probably don’t get hangovers (Obvs).
I then, literally just walk away.
7: Mistaken Identity.
Dan Reed is socially awkward!:
In Sainsburys getting vodka because that’s who I am as a human being now.
I’m with Andrew Rider, I assume we’re walking at the same pace, so I talk:
Me: Oh, bloody ‘ell trust me to be running late again.
No answer. But I assume he’s just a few paces behind me…… I continue.
Me again: Where the hell are you, anyway?
As I turn around, I notice that I’m not actually talking to Andrew it’s some bloody woman.
I literally recoil in horror.
“UHHH! YOU’RE NOT ANDREW!” I gasp, I then do what can only be described as a screeching laugh. Turning the heads of like, 8 fucking people.
Christ. This is why I drink.
8: Good Samaritan
In the latest episode of Dan Reed a socially awkward mess…..
Walking home, and deciding to buy some cookies, I walk past a frail old lady who’s in need of my heroics.
She asks me to loosen the cap of her water bottle for her, as her wrists are to nimble to complete the task.
This is where me going to the gym once every four months comes in handy as I open the cap with ease.
“Ahhhh there you go, that should save you some trouble, I hope” I say, handing her the bottle.
“Ohhhhh thank you so much!” she replies gratefully.
At this point it’d been a grand idea to just say “You’re welcome”. Like a normal fucking human being. But instead, and I shit you not I say….
“Ain’t no thing but a chicken wing” and wink, and I literally have no idea why.
9: Getting Around
Uh oh. UH OHHH….It’s that time again (No, not drinking).
It’s Dan Reed is socially awkward!
In work, serving a girl who is one of many with that bloody cough that’s plaguing the nation. She’s coughing dramatically.
Her: Ew, sorry! I’ll try my best not to infect you.
Me: Ahhhhhhh, it’s fineeeee. Odds are I’ve caught worst things off of women.
I took a while to register, I meant like, a cold, or the flu or some shit. Instead I pretty much imply to half of Stoke that I have a fucking STD.
10: Ice, Ice, Maybe
A long anticipated episode of Dan is socially awkward and should not be trusted in public!!!
I’m in Subway with Dan Naylor, I get a little cup for my drink and head on over to the new flashy drink machine they have.
I press the little sensor saying ‘Ice’ and put a bit of ice in the cup. I then press the bit next to it for Pepsi…..
Nothing… I press again. Again, diddlysquat.
Not wanting staff and customers alike to think I’m failing, I casually put in more ice. I press the Pepsi button again. NOTHING.
“DAN!!!! HELP!!” I laugh and scream in panic, to ‘Dan’ nearby.
Except it WASN’T FUCKING DAN, but some complete random, who’s been alerted to my stupidity.
I go over to the table, cup half full of fucking ice at this point.
Upon sitting down to explain my crisis, I look over and notice that drink machine is just a fucking ice dispenser that’s NEXT to the drinks machine.
I didn’t even need ice, it was freezing.
Hopefully, there won’t be a third compendium, but you know there will be. x