April Fools Special! That Time I Stalked My Mother.

I am not a very mature person.

I’d love to bullshit you right off the bat and paint myself in a mysteriously sophisticated light, I truly would but unfortunately there has never been much of a moment in my life that has made me go “Boom. Grow up time”.

As a result of this, I usually find myself indulging in the more childish things in life. Disney films, playing with Lego, living in my own little imaginary world 80% of the time.

Sometimes if the mood is right, I’ll indulge in a prank.

Now, the problem with pranks these days is that they’ve been tarnished and torn to pieces by stupid Youtubers thinking it’s funny to steal someone’s phone in public, film it and then act the victim when they retaliate (“IT’S A PRANK BRO! THE CAMERA’S THERE!- Literally any video on YouTube lately)

So saying “I like pranks” can effectively make you look moronic, what happened to the old days of hiding in a closet and shouting ‘boo’?.

The secondary problem I have, is that I can range from exceptionally shit at these pranks, I once made a prank call only to apologise for calling the wrong number. To some sort of criminal genius who plans the next stage of a seven part plan more intricately than I plan my own life decisions.

Quick confession time, right off the bat.

Luke, if you’re reading this. You might remember this letter, chocolate bar, and subsequent picture you uploaded….

That was me.

I, one summers day got bored and thought it’d be funny to send my friend Luke an admirers letter from an anonymous illiterate girl. This was meant to go on for a few weeks with each letter getting more and more aggressive, up until the point where I was going to buy hair extensions and post them through his letter box. Sadly it never got past the “Send him half eaten chocolate bar” stages.

A few years prior to this however, whilst still living with my dear mother. I was bored at home. I could hear the obnoxious sounds of ‘Zynga Poker’ a Facebook poker game that she apparently decided to don a slight addiction to. For absolutely no reason whatsoever, I decided to call her via withheld number. I don’t know what I was expecting to happen, but it escalated. Her ringtone blared through.

WE FOUND LOVE IN A HOPLESS PLACE!

WE FOUND LOVE IN A HOPE-LESSSSSS PLACE!”

Oh, it’s a withheld number!” I hear the confusion in her voice already.

Wonder who it was calling at this time?” (About 9pm) I laugh to myself, and call again.

WE FOUND LOVE IN A HOPLESS PLACE!

WE FOUND LOVE IN A HOPE-LESSSSSS PLACE!”

They’re calling again!!” Mom nervously commentated on her phone as I started to call more and more, wondering how long it would take for her to at least answer.

I started off with five or ten minutes between each phone call, then as the time went on I escalated the frequency of the calls,calling again the moment I was sent through to voicemail.

WE FOUND LOVE IN A HOPLESS PLACE!

WE FOUND LOVE IN A HOPE-LESSSSSS PLACE!”

WE FOUND LOVE IN A HOPLESS PLACE!

WE FOUND LOVE IN A HOPE-LESSSSSS PLACE!”

WE FOUND LOVE IN A HOPLESS PLACE!

WE FOUND LOVE IN A HOPE-LESSSSSS PLACE!”

Her frustration only added to the hilarity I found in the situation, trying my best to ensure that she couldn’t hear me laughing through the other room. It didn’t take long before my mother took charge of the situation and took it to Facebook.

* You’re *Your

This, unfortunately for mother, only adding fuel to my fire of being the worlds most irritating son and the phone calls ran on. Why she didn’t turn her phone off I will never understand, she did however switch it to vibrate.

Eventually, her Facebook friends started to weigh in on the situation.

Each comment was celebrated with a new missed call as my relentless pursuit went on, knowing she was acting so cavalier on Facebook yet so irked in the realms of reality only made the experience more humorous to me at the time.

Sooner, rather than later though the Facebook facade broke.

Now, you may notice in the screenshot that I neglected to blur out ‘Hazzam Astif’.

This is because…….

I Was Hazzam Astif….

PHASE TWO.

Missed calls were funny, but it was time to up the game and give the missed calls a face, and subsequent Facebook to match.

Finding ‘Hazzam’ was pretty easy, just go on any celebrities Facebook and find the strange, yet inevitable Indian Facebook comments. E.G “lad gaga u r gd singer I luv u plz vist mother”.

Go to their profile, and just go through a few friends and eventually you should find a perfect candidate.

This was our boy Hazzam.

I had made Hazzam quite the fan of my mother as you can tell, all I had to do from this point was log into the same Poker room as her and consistently nag her. This resulted in me getting banned from ever playing Zynga Poker again, or rather Hazzam.

It was a worthwhile effort though, mom was now aware of this Indonesia dream. I heard the gasps of horror as she saw the obsessive status’s.

To top that off, I also sent her this delicate message.

—————————————-

please don’t be angry from me because i have a low leavel in english.

morning to 21 or 22 of night and iam always in net in this time.

i hope meeting you soon.

please don’t forget me.


i don’t know why i say this maybe iam in love you are shiny star an i like u much in poker, do u feel same  

It didn’t take too long until I started to overhear talks of possibly calling a non-emergency contact number, which led me with the very real question….

How far am I willing to take this?

Unfortunately, that question was never properly answered, as nature called and I had to wee, passing the living room and

 seeing mom in a state of confusion was more than enough to make me burst out laughing at immediate sight.

She figured me out.

And that was the immediate end of Hazzam.

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About danodanz

26 year old British guy who moans, goes on tangents, rants about inane things and gets himself into all sorts of bizarre situations. Despite this everyone loves him.
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