The Enchantress from Beauty and the Beast Needs To Chill The Fuck Out.

With great power comes great responsibility.

That’s a quote we’re all too familiar with.

One in which we associate with those who would actually use said powers with the grace and delicacy that you’d expect a hero to have. Never to be abused, never to be reckless with, never to cause harm to the people.

Villains of course abuse this power, the moment Jafar got his lamp he instantly went fucking mental and used his wishes in like, an hour.

Maleficent went bat shit insane because she wasn’t invited to some party.

Hades, in a bid to rule mount Olympus sent a load of Titans out to fuck Greece up.

All reckless, all gung ho, and all certainly neglecting responsibility.

But it matters not, because they all get their just desserts

Here’s a certain someone though who is barely mentioned, and sure as shit doesn’t even come close to using her gracious powers responsibly.

This fucking crazy bitch.

The Enchantress from the starting narrative of Beauty and the Beast, for some reason disguised herself as an old woman, went up to some guys house and asked to spend the night.

Beast/Non Beast at the time, says no.

As a result she goes “right, fuck you, and your castle, you’re a gross beast now, here’s a rose now fuck off”.

And that’s the last we ever see, or hear of her again….

Few problems..

One.

Why?

What the actual shit has possessed this woman to do this? Was she bored at home one day, watching Catfish and figured she’d single handedly make the most compelling episode the world had ever seen?

Did she know the Beast prior to this moment? Or just see the secluded castle and think, “The owner/resident of this castle must be a dick, let’s test the theory”.

Two.

The Beast must find love by his 21st birthday.

Already that’s quite a difficult feat to accomplish even if you’re not a seven foot cape donning monster.

But it said that ‘years’ had passed as a Beast. Meaning presumably the Beast was between the age of thirteen and nineteen at the time of this lady’s ‘test’.

For arguments sake I’m going to say he was fifteen.

No fifteen year old, in their right mind would let a stranger into their house. Heck, nobody would let a stranger from the woods crash in your house anyway.

But according to old Enchantress here, it’s just cool to crash at the castle of someone going through puberty.

Also, don’t change him into a beast because he’s a dick. All fifteen year olds are dicks. Cut him some slack.

Three.

More reasoning that this enchantress is fucking insane.

Fair enough she was offended that teenage beast found her Catfish form a bit repulsive, and we’ve already scratched the surface that this punishment was a bit too rough.

Maybe turn him into a beast for, I dunno? A fortnight.

Maybe give him a little scar on his face?

Maybe just turn into the beautiful (yet twattish) Enchantress you truly are and give him a stern lecture.

These are fine things.

DO NOT.

Turn him into a beast for years, that’s a dick move.

BUT

Don’t fucking drag his poor servants into the equation.

Without even getting to know them, she turned poor, unsuspecting strangers into a candle, a clock, a teapot, and a wardrobe.

She turned an unsuspecting child into a fucking cup.

She turned a dog into a footstool.

Someone’s got no fucking chill.

Four.

Did she put any thought into this?

She turned the beast into a beast. We get this, it makes sense.

But at what point did it cross her mind to go “Right, this guy right here can be…………a clock” POOF.

Or did she just put her spells on shuffle mode or something? I don’t quite get the logic here.

Turning poor, unsuspecting servants, children and animals into household objects just gives us more reason to believe that she truly has no clue what to do with her powers and she’s just going off on one completely.

And we never see her again. She just disappears to act holier than thou and presumably fucks another persons day up.

Cunt.

SIDE NOTES.

Was anyone else massively disappointed with what Lumière’s human form ended up looking like?

Furthermore at the end of the film, did anyone catch the obvious sexual tension between human Mrs Potts and Maurice?

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About danodanz

26 year old British guy who moans, goes on tangents, rants about inane things and gets himself into all sorts of bizarre situations. Despite this everyone loves him.
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