“It’s me and you against the world, baby”
Words muttered by every chav couple that had been together for the best part of two months (their third attempt at being a decent couple too)
Why they feel the need to say this, or even post it onto Facebook as if their shit relationship is somehow a rebellion to the masses I won’t quite understand, nor will I even pretend to.
However this post is not questioning the mentality of these people, nor is it even a post to slander them, because let’s face it in about three months they’ll be posting passive aggressive Facebook memes against each other to do that for me.
No, this is an introductory new series.
Dan Vs The World.
No, I’ve not entered a volatile relationship (at time of writing), nor am I harbouring any bizarre resentment against the world.
As you’ve possibly figured out from previous blog entries, my social grace leaves a lot to be desired.
As such it’s only natural that I find myself at odds with some of the world, a lot of the time creating awful, tense situations in which I can only walk away from thinking….
Episode One, of Dan vs The World sets us up in a sold out venue on a Friday night.
In the Red corner from Plymouth, England. Standing at five feet and nine inches tall, weighing in at one hundred and eighty pounds.
In the blue corner from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Founded in 1870 with 8.2 Millllllllion members worldwide.
It was a weekday afternoon, I was hungover. It wasn’t quite the surprising scene for the world. I had assumed my best course of action to get rid of such a horrid feeling of sickness would be to simply shower it off.
If memory recalls I was expecting an important package this day so I played an incredibly risky game by having such a shower but I had to lose the feeling of the previous nights clamminess.
Of course, halfway through the shower I hear the persistent, immediate ring of the buzzer.
I shout to myself in the shower, I jump out, wrap a poor fitting towel around me and dart downstairs, a moment so powerful I’m sure it could have been accompanied by a Hans Zimmer score.
Swinging the door wide open, I expect to see the Royal Mail man with my package, maybe I could make a whimsicle, yet inappropriate joke about having a package under the towel myself?
This fictitious moment of hilarity would have to wait however as instead of the Royal Mail man it was instead two middle aged ladies.
“Oh my, haven’t we just opened the door to a treat wah-har-har” the old woman in purple (Who we’ll call Veronica) said to her friend (…..Harmonica).
Standing, pretty much naked in front of Veronica and Harmonica I wonder what on earth this could all be about, I see leaflets in their hands….On said leaflet was a sad looking Jesus.
It’s not in my nature to tell people to go away, so I stood there and humoured the two for a good half an hour, listening about god and how he only created Jesus whilst Jehovah made me, or some shit like that. I wasn’t really listening.
Harmonica took most control of the conversation/lecture, even explaining to me that I could repent for disputing Jehovah doctrine (presumably by having a tattoo),
Meanwhile Veronica couldn’t keep her eyes off my fucking towel in the hopes that maybe it’d fall off and she’d witness something else.
After a while, they stop and ask if they’d like to set up a return visit to find out whatever the hell it was that Jesus did next.
I did not care.
Yet I said yes.
They asked for my name.
I, for some reason told them it was Adam.
They go off to perv on someone else, I shut the door, assured and satisfied that they’ll be looking for some guy who doesn’t exist named Adam.
At my house.
In which they know I live.
Dan 0-1 Jehovah.
One week later, this time not hungover so life can only be good, right?
In my ignorance I had completely and utterly forgot about last weeks run in with the two nightmare Jehovah stalkers. That famous sound echoes through the house again.
“Who the fuck could that be?”
I wonder to myself, picking up the little door phone.
“Oh hello? Is that Adam?”
“Y….yes, Adam we had a little chat with him last week”
“Oh I’m sorry, I think you might have the wrong house, nobody named Adam lives…..”
The events of the week prior flood back like a tsunami and I’m now in an awkward position from my own stupidity.
“Uhhhh, one second actually”.
I for some reason rush downstairs to greet them, I open the door.
“Awww, fully clothed today are we?” Veronica laughs but deep down I can see the disdain In her eyes.
“Hahaha, I’m afraid so” I laugh nervously.
“Sorry about up there by the way….” I start to explain what goes on to be quite the web of lies….
“That was my brother….Dan, he thinks he’s funny by telling people I don’t live here”.
Somehow, they by into it and I receive my next lesson about their religion.
I leave with more leaflets that clutter up my life, however Veronica walked away feeling disappointed so that’s at least a point coming back my way.
Dan 1-2 Jehovah
I’m walking home from my granddads, it’s a beautiful summers evening. On the long walk home. I walk by two guys in the whitest shirts I have ever seen in my life. They kind of stop near me, watching longingly.
Assuming they’re asking for directions I take out my headphones…
“Why hi there!”
Oh shit me, they’re American.
“Beautiful day isn’t it?” the blonde guy says happily.
“It really is, are you enjoying it?” I reply ever so politely.
I don’t remember the map of the conversation but I eventually start to realise that this is indeed a very familiar setting.
I hear of their teachings again, but this time it turns into a somewhat interactive quiz.
“Do you ever sometimes feel………alone?” (At this point I wasn’t sure if this question was for religious purposes)
For some reason I humoured them.
“Sometimes….late…..late at night, I guess I feel like, I dunno…That there must be a reason towards everything, y’know??” (Bull)
“That’s your faith! It’s trying to guide you” he replied enthusiastically, it was endearing.
“Dan, would you like to pray with us?”
And I fucking kid you not, all three of us looked down at the ground and closed our eyes.
“Dear lord, thank you for setting our path towards Dan today”
I was tempted to turn around and run for the hills whilst their eyes were closed but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it, I at least keep my eyes open feeling the immense rush of blood to the head.
They finish their little prayer and ask me if I’d like to attend mass with them tomorrow morning.
I did not.
I said yes.
So they ask for my address..
And of course, I didn’t give them my address. I lived at number three.
I gave them the exact same street, just number five.
The very house next door.
We part ways as they promise/possibly thread that they’ll see me tomorrow.
Dan 1-3 Jehovah.
The very next day is a Sunday morning. I have a rare day off so I’m lying in bed. The girlfriend at the time however is getting ready for work. I had explained the evening prior about my run in.
She leaves for work and sailing so, the two Americans were there!
They collared her, and tried to wrangle her into going church as well. However she didn’t really take much of their belief with the same grace in which I did. They prayed for her regardless, and in fairness she was running late for work, and the bus was late…Thus managing to get her to work on time so I guess god really does work in mysterious ways.
This round however didn’t include me, and it was in fact my last run in with anyone representing Jehovah. Meaning the score remains (for now).
No more than a consolation point for me as Jehovah secures an incredibly comfortable victory over me. 😦