The Tedium Of The Name Dan

What’s in a name?

Some people are named after a dead relative, some named from a favourite character or somebody of inspiration.

Some are literal naming trends with not an awful lot of imagination behind it(I’m looking at all the Alfie’s and Archie’s born between 2007-2012)

There were a lot of names thrown around for me should I have been a girl, apparently it was quite a heavy point of discussion, two of the suggested names were ‘Chelsea’ and ‘Amber’.

My dad being a Liverpool fan, that day fancied himself a philosopher by trying to don an inspiration “I like football” quote with….

If he’s going to be named a football team she’ll be called Liverpool,

and if she’s going to be named a colour she’ll be called Red”

  • Dan’s dad. 1990.

Thankfully, I was not called Liverpool, or Red as I was in fact a boy.

Now, I know that the names in contention for if I were a girl were in fact…

Amber, Chelsea, Red, Liverpool, and Melody.

The names in contention should I have been a boy were


Quite literally, just the one name. Upon asking how they decided this name, they simply responded with “Oh, it’s just the only name we could think of at the time”

There was no relative, dead or alive.

There was nobody inspirational named Daniel in 1990 that I know of.

The most popular boys baby name in 1990 was Michael (Although Daniel was 5th on this list)

Just “fuck it, Daniel will do”

I am 26 years of age, I have lived through multiple fads and trends, and in hindsight going back to that fateful naming day of 1990, I plead with my parents….Give it like, I dunno ten minutes more thought on the whole naming thing, will ya?

From the moment I was born I have been serenaded with annoying songs, jingles and catchphrases, every person doing this has acted like they were the first person to do such a thing.

Follow me on a tour on the irritating trends that come with my name.

Oh, Danny boy.

I have never actually heard the apparent hit song, ‘Oh Danny boy’ before.

I do not need to

I know every verse, and every chorus first hand, because every Tom, Dick, and Larry has decided it a wise idea to legit serenade me with this.

My name’s not even Danny.

Yet at least once, on a bi-monthly schedule, seemingly out of nowhere I’ll hear the baritone voice of someone.


Oh, here we go…

Dannnnny boyyyyyyyyyyyyy”

Yep, it’s that song again.

The pipes, the pipes are calling”

Oh, for fuck’s sake they’re going for the entire thing.

I have to sit/stand there and wear this fake smile as if to say “Bravo” that’s really, really quick thinking on what song choice to go for”

I think that summed up a good chunk of my toddler-child years right there.

And then comes that fucking movie..


               My face when they say it.

wo-wahhh, DANIEL-SAN!”

Someone will shout at me, in what could very well be a racist faux-Japanese accent, little prayer gesture and all.

I have never seen Karate kid.

In fact, it was literally less than a year ago in which I discovered where this fucking quote came from, let alone the context.

I thought, for years, literal years people just had a knack and fetish for calling me Daniel-Son.

Like, from the age of probably four, up until twenty-five, I had literally just assumed this was a massive inside joke that had gotten way out of hand. It was only when that Karate bloke died where I actually realised where this stemmed from.

Of course, said bloke dying only intensified my karate name out of respect for him, so cheers on that note, mate.

Dan, Dan……

The silly old man, he washes his face with a frying pan.

Fuck off, it doesn’t even make sense.

How do I wash my face with a frying pan? How does that make sense? Do I fill the frying pan with soap and water?

Do I use attempt to use the frying pan as a sponge?

If you’re going to make a shit jingle about my name at least make it sensical.

Alternatively I got.

Dan, Dan the silly old man, he lives in a van with a frying pan.

Which makes a fraction more sense, but it’s still stupid. Was ‘Pan the only word rhyming with ‘Dan’ they could think of?

Could they not have said

Dan, Dan the silly old man, lives in a van with a bloke named Stan

and got two birds with one stone with Stan?

I thankfully only endured this throughout primary school, and briefly in my first job when a toothless security guard named Bill literally sung it to me every half hour.


Alan. Fucking. Partridge.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s one of my favourite British comedies of all time.

Like most/all British comedies it only has 12 episodes though, so you really get your repetition value.

As such everybody knows most episodes line for line, especially the more famous moments.

And of course, one of the most famous ever moments from ‘I’m Alan Partridge’……


And of course, the masses see me and think “I’m about to strike comedic gold”









Dad, I heard you the first time”

but that will not stop them, if I’m in the distance and see a friend, or acquaintance I know I’m about to get a daily reminder that this scene exists..

That, or they’re just legit trying to get my attention than that’s my bad.

So, you think… That’s it right? All of these songs, jingles and references are decades old, the trend will slowly die out.

At my granddads one day, I drop a biscuit on the floor. A forgiveable mistake by all means, but then I hear two long words from my fourteen year old cousins mouth and I know I still have a road of pain to endure….

Dammmmmmmnnnnnnnnnnn Daniel”

Oh, for fuck’s sake.

My name….In addition to being a catchphrase, song, jingle, and tourette like scream, is now also a meme.

I do not know the appeal in the ‘Damn Daniel’ meme, I do not understand the context, I do not understand a lot about it.

What I do understand is that it includes my name.

And unfortunately, every other person knows this too.

I don’t even have to make a mistake to hear it, hell half the time it’s a bloody greeting to me.

I know it’s a common trend to have your name have an unfortunate attachment to it. How many Roxanne’s get “ROXXXXX-ANNNNNNE!” screamed at them daily?

How many people named Stacey are reminded that their mom has got it going on?

I do feel though that having five irritating attachments to one name is a tad much mind.

Knock it off.



About danodanz

26 year old British guy who moans, goes on tangents, rants about inane things and gets himself into all sorts of bizarre situations. Despite this everyone loves him.
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