That Time Some Bloke Tried to Groom Me

Fifteen is quite a strange time for anybody, really.

You’re in sniffing distance of possible dependency, just a few arduous hurdles to go and then you’re starting a new race in adulthood, but first you’ve got to deal with the longest days of your life finishing off school work, and the whole trying to figure out who you are schtick.

I, however was (at least in my mind) clear on my short term goals, after watching the likes of Grease, American Pie 2 and other various movies that included going away onto a beach briefly I had decided that I wanted a summer job, that would conveniently be on a beach.

I didn’t want to wait until I was of legal age for insurance, hell I didn’t even want to wait a day, I wanted a job now and I wasn’t going to take no for an answer. No way, no how.

Of course, nobody quite wanted to hire a fifteen year old with “still at school, pretty good at drama” as the main highlight of his CV, looking at it with a course concentrated dose of dissatisfaction I tossed the CV aside and decided I’d go for the next best thing.

Gumtree.

Gumtree is both a weird, and wonderful part of the internet. if you’re looking to buy a used clotheshorse Gumtree has your back, if you’re looking to sell that mattress that’s been in your backyard for the past seven months, Gumtree has your back, and if you’re looking for a casual one night stand with a man who claims to specifically not be gay, just a bit bored then Gumtree does indeed….Have your back.

So with all this in mind, I figured “Hey, I’m a fifteen year old dude, looking for a summer job, surely Gumtree will have my back?”.

So with that, I posted my pitiful CV, and a small description of myself onto the ‘Looking for work’ part of the job pages, even uploaded a little picture of some lucky souls future employee, and without a secondary thought sent the picture to the world.

Now. We wait.

Days had passed, and fifteen year old Dan had given up his pipe-dream of a summer job and decided to focus his time and effort onto more pressing issues (MSN, mostly) but it was then when an email notifying me of a reply came up….A reply from Gumtree, nonetheless.

Like I previously mentioned, I wanted not just a summer job, but a summer job at least near a beach, well the convenience fairy was looking out for me that fateful day because a potential job offered had came rolling in, a job on the beach would one believe! It was an exciting time.

Now, you’ve read the title of this post, hell a lot of you are probably only reading this because I’ve lured you in Buzzfeed style, you have a vague idea of what’s coming. Unfortunately, I fucking didn’t.

A near decade later, and I still have the emails from him saved, sadly the conversation is long gone…Lost in the afterlife of Hotmail, so what my responses were will only remain a mystery, even to myself.

Ian, the cafe owner was my potential employer. His emails will be represented by Bold Italic writing, much like this. 
He started us off with…..

Hi dan
Sorry to say but your pic does nothing for you, u need to change ur pic and take that hat off……….. cheers Budd Ian



Ian comes in like a grammatically incorrect knight in shining armour in regards to job advice. Clearly, I chose for some reason the best course of action in me getting a job is uploading a picture of myself with a hat. In fairness, I have never since uploaded a picture of myself wearing a hat to a CV, but at the same time after this I’ve never uploaded a CV to Gumtree so I suppose that’s taking away from his little bit of credit.

The Picture that started it all

Hi dan
as an employer |I notice these things, and thanks for not telling me to mind my own buissness. I have a cafe on the beach in south devon nr Kingsbridge..

cheers Ian
Ps you still at school ? or have u left…

—-

He has officially introduced himself as an employer. This is good, and despite the dreaded hat he is still in contact with me, also good! He’s also appreciative that I wasn’t a dick, all signs so far are pointing towards me serving ice cream in Kingsbridge! Summer 2005 could very well be the best yet. His enquiries on me being at school can clearly be nothing more than a reference to if I’ll be working weekends or days, despite me clearly asking for a summer job. 


Dan, 

You sound a kewl dude and obviously have manners, I take it ur lookin for a week end job only….. and u live in Plymouth

To this day, I still have no clue how old this guy is suppose to be. Old enough to own a beaching business, but still young enough at heart to use the word ‘kewl’ and not feel a bit of a cunt about it. His deductive reason however remains spot on. 

From his emails, fifteen year old me still seemed more than keen on this job however, clearly my good manners must be getting me somewhere, and that somewhere is the luscious white sands of South Devon. For reference I believe this may have been the beach in question.

Easily worth the years of emotional trauma

 


If you wer closer I could do with help at week end…. I only have a Kiosk /cafe and bech goods ice cream and take away food . and gets very busy int he summer ……in the summer I employ someone for 6…8 weeks , and its fun they usually have to live in my house…. ian, but at this tiime of fthe year its mainly week ends I need some one……. Ian

I don’t really feel it’s worth bringing this up because…..Why would I? but can I just say that these emails have not been doctored or anything, this is literally what someone has once upon a time sent to a school pupil.

He tests the water with casually mentioning that applicants/employers for some reason live in his house, he then randomly signed this sentence with his name, put a comma and continued his original sentence, from the first signing of his bizarrely placed name the emails tend to get weirder, and his use of ellipses tend to get way more frequent.

Dan.

I was going to ahve subway outlet, but in Plymouth its to dangerouse at night . thanks for the offer inSummer. but would ur parents let you live in at my house . and its very busy in summer…….. or would they let you cum for week ends….. but u would need to live in …. Ian

Now, as you can quite possibly tell things are starting to get a bit ominous, his spelling and grammar, which wasn’t the best to begin with nose dives, and to top this off he literally spelt ‘come’ as ‘cum’ and I’m pretty sure it was intentional.
Still, apparently I’m still on board, would my parents let me though? Plus…And I quote, I’d have to live in Ian. Again, was this intentional, was my summer 2005 going to a summer inside Ian? All of my energy is going into not asking, or thinking about this question, but let’s roll on regardless.

wher about in Plymouth u live ????? which area I was in plymouth last night . but you dont want to know what i was up to…..lol 

Oh okay….I guess this back and forth isn’t so much about the job any more. His sentences are nigh on impossible to make sense of now, this (and it’s a gross assumption) can only be down to the fact that he’s probably now only typing with one hand. That said, the overuse of question marks is pretty commendable. We’re also leaving job territory and entering a whole new freaky domain.


Dan ,
ur a clever guy, now tell me what would I be doing in Plymouth last night ….lol

Hello Gumtree? I’d like to file a complaint please”


Dan begins with S and its 4 letters …..lol well it could be , but you wouldnt know about that sort off thing

“Yeah, I was looking for a job on your website, and now some weird Ian bloke is trying to tell me about the sexual exploits he may or may not have had through Plymouth”

Dan

ur to clever ……….. lol hope ur parents are not reading this lol, but yes it was ,…Ian

Clearly 15 year old me was quite savvy in identifying sexual acts that begun with ‘S’ and was four letters. Thing is, this bothers me because I’m pretty sure it’s ‘Shag’ but the correct term would at the very least be ‘Shagging’ so who even knows if that’s what he was referring to. I don’t know why I’m worried so such about this guys typing habits when he was literally divulging this information to me.

ok thATS kewlllllllll ,, I am sure ur still a virgin ……. . u just play with it . i guess….loL

To be fair I was, but it’s a wild assumption to be making about what was going to be your potential employee. This is not how job interviews work. This is not how any of this is meant to work. I’m not sure on his reasoning to go “Kewwllllllllll” like an overly curious child. His use of lol has gone beyond creepy at this point as well.

Dan 

like a horse the perfect girl is not around………. lol Dan u got differnt pic u can send me…… also I was out doing naughtys things last night in plymouth…. ..am watchi a Video at mo as well 

I don’t remember the emails I sent to him. But I can safely say in my heart of hearts that I gave him no reason to start rambling on about the rarity of perfect girls. In fact, you know what? We’re actually going to ignore the fact that he’s asked me for another picture, talking about his Plymouth sex life and watching what can only be porn. We’re staying on this horse thing for a while. (Sorry Toby, this blog’s gonna be a long ‘un)

Like a horse the perfect girl is not around.

Like a horse the perfect girl is not around

Like a HORSE the perfect girl is not around.

If this guy really wants to get all philosophical on me, then at least use a better fucking metaphor for a perfect girl than a horse. Horses are everywhere, Police ride them. There’s a picture of one on my debit card, there’s probably one in a stable no more than an hour away at this very moment. Refer to said perfect girl as something else that’s not around too often…A shooting star, rainbows, Madeline Mccann, anything that’s not a horse. Moron.

qwell not if yer lookin fro a job…………. what you up to tonight . ……… am just out the shower and watchin a …. video…………..

Qwell, I’m not entirely sure what I could’ve said to reply with “Not if yer lookin fro a job” and a part of my is worried to even think of what could’ve entailed. He’s still banging on about this fucking video. Ian. I know it’s porn. I can literally guarantee, even back then in my sweet gentle naivety that it’s porn.

no probs, yes its a naughty vid ,,,,,, u wouldnt have seen them before or now what I mean . also make sure yo delete all ur e mails from me ………ok

Well isn’t that just the shock of the century. it’s a naughty video. He then starts to prompt me to delete these emails, dunno why because a nice friendly chat about the possibility of getting a beach job, going onto porn videos and wanking is just the norm in my books.I for some reason as well suspect whilst writing the email he actually whispered the “………ok” part.


cheers,,,,,,

my mate loaned it to me yesterday , so only been able to see it tonight . its reel F…… H….. and am getting excited lol

This was 2005. The golden age of technology was literally starting, and here’s Ian getting loaned porn video’s like it’s nineteen ninety fucking three. He’s cool with telling me about his porn, cool with telling me about the idea of me wanking, but he for some reason censors his naughty language. Thoughtful.

remmeebr to delete allt this 

thr is about 3/4 women and 2 guys and the women r getting F ….d rotten an dmeem are liking ther P…..y…

He’s still asking me to delete all the emails.

Guess what Ian? I didn’t. It’s been a full decade later and they’re still here. I wonder if Ian ever thinks of me…The one that got away, perhaps?

Now, I’m no pervert translating expert or anything, but for those confused I think his intended sentence was supposed to be….. “There is (There are) about 3/4 (it’s either 3 or 4 Ian, it shouldn’t be that difficult to count) and 2 guys. And the women are getting fucked rotten and men (no idea on this one though) and liking(possibly licking) their pussies.

Ian should review porn. He really paints the picture.

Unfortunately, either I stopped replying, or he grew weary of my ways to someday in life exploit these set of messages. I never heard from Ian again. Maybe someday I’ll return to Gumtree and be reunited with him, though I am a fair bit older than his demographic now unfortunately.

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About danodanz

26 year old British guy who moans, goes on tangents, rants about inane things and gets himself into all sorts of bizarre situations. Despite this everyone loves him.
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One Response to That Time Some Bloke Tried to Groom Me

  1. Pingback: That Time I Got Lost Because Of A Selfie. – Ramblings Of A Dick

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