I would love to tell you right here and now, straight off the bat that I’m a really confident dude.
And on good days I am, but like everyone I am prone to the odd socially awkward quirk or two.
A lot of the time I tend to jump straight into conversation without a second thought as to what I’m saying, whereas some days I second guess every other sentence I make. It’s a bit like a conversational roulette board.
However, sometimes, social catastrophe will strike, and I will be that social catastrophe.
Here, are a few previous Facebook status’s from the past of mine to prove such a thing.
I give you….
Dan is socially inept and should not be allowed in public.
The first compendium
It all started a year before I actually realised I had this problem.
Dan is socially inept: Origins.
The little boy.
More communication breakdowns in work once again go against my favour.
It’s 8am, serving some girl. She comments on my chirpy and lovely personality despite the early time.
“Ah yes, don’t worry about that…. There’s a little bit of me, still in my room, crying about being here” was the attempted response.
Somehow this turned to
“Ahh yes! There’s a little boy in my room, crying”
Finding the humour in this slip up, I laugh in what can only be described as maniacally.
No police visits so far. Pretty sure she won’t be back though
Take it from the back.
Dan is bad socially episode one:
I get to the bottom of the footbridge and some women is struggling to get her child/pram up the stairs. Enter Dan to save the day.
Me: “Do you need a hand with that by any chance”
Her: Oh if you wouldn’t mind, please.
Me: Not a worry, (I position myself by the pram) do you wanna take it from the front or back?…..haha! I bet last time you heard that this little guy eventually happened.
She looked at me, pretty bleakly, I think she was appalled, I look back equally dumbfounded.
Me:……………….. Not quite sure why I said that.
To top it off “the little guy” was in fact a girl.
Dan is socially inept and shouldn’t be allowed in public: Volume 2.
I’m in Sainsbury’s I get to the self checkout buying stuff to make spaghetti and meatballs (that part’s actually irrelevant)
I have the misfortune of having one of those idiots who can’t use the self service machine somehow taking up space on both hers and my self service machine.
Her: Ohh!! Sorry!
Me: “Ahhhh that’s alright! (As I gallantly scan my shopping whilst juggling the rest of it).
I’m a man, we’re used to doing things with one hand!”
I laugh. She doesn’t. Her friend doesn’t. The assistant who oversees the madness doesn’t. And I leave whilst dying inside.
Dan Reed is socially inept: volume 3
I was walking through town, and slipped on a leaf. Made this absolutely tragic yelping sound as if I was a dog whose tall was just stepped on. Thankfully I didn’t fully fall over but I did attract the attention of this lovely old lady who seemed concerned with my cowardly scream.
Her: “Ohhh are you okay?”
I feel my face go redder than the set of Kill Bill, I try to make a leaf based joke that wasn’t “leaf me alone”
In pure panic, I look at her, kind of smiling, kind of wanting to cry and I say, literally…..
And walk off leaving her presumably confused, as I once again die inside.
Dan Reed is socially inept: Volume 4
On the way to work I pop into Premier to buy this Watermelon energy drink. This would make it the 3rd purchase in the space of a week. Same guy serving too. I try to break the ice on this subject.
Me: Haha, (blatantly fake laugh too) I think I’m rocking a bit of an addiction to this.
Him: Hehhh, eet iz very nice
Me: I think I have an obsession with watermelons as a whole right now, I tried incorporate one as my like……… Emoji signature, but that stupid vine thing ruined it.
He looks at me, utterly gobsmacked. Now he’s an ethnic chap so maybe he just didn’t understand my shit accent. But at the time I take his stunned silence as a sign that he’s just not seen said Vine (it’s shit, it’s basically some bloke wearing a watermelon as a hat, screaming watermelon)
Me: Uhhh, the one where the guy, uhm has a knife…..but it’s not a knife, it’s a watermelon, and he has a weird helmet of one.
Again, blank stare of confusion.
Me:………….. Anyway, thanks, bye!!
Can’t go there again..
Dan makes a friend
Dan Reed is socially inept; Volume 5:
I’m currently in Morrisons, standing in the frozen veg aisle which is stupid seeing as I’ve no intention whatsoever to eat even the slightest bit healthy.
There’s a family behind me, mom, dad, kid.
Mom: Oh i know! We still need chocolates for Charles, and perfume for Laura. I’ll go get the perfume.
Kid: I’ll go with you.
Dad: “I’ll go to the chocolates alone then!” He jokes.
Enter me with my hilarity. I turn around to him.
Me: I’ll go with you! To the end of the earth……
I look longingly at him. I expect laughter.
There was no laughter.
Only deafening silence.
Ah it’s been a while since we’ve had one of these bad boys.
‘Dan Reed is socially inept and should not be allowed in public’ volume 6.
I was just in the shop getting some Pringles like everyone on a diet does, a woman drops some butter.
Because I’m such a fucking quick thinker I like to believe I say “Hahaha looks like someone’s got BUTTER FINGERS!” along with some spazzy hand motions to re-enact said butter fingers.
I go “Hahah” forgot the fucking joke, yet for some reason still wave my fingers around like a fucking proud finger toting lunatic before promptly leaving and waiting for the earth to swallow me whole.
Dan Reed is socially awkward and should not be allowed in public: Volume 7.
Actually going to the gym for once, upon leaving I forget which locker I put my stuff in, this leads to me opening pretty much every single one within arms reach.
This is all well and good but the cleaner is just a few feet away and clearly he’s going to start getting suspicious that I’m some handsome, dashing yet really incompetent thief.
So I attempt to soothe the situation with some gentle comedy.
Me……..Do you ever worry sometimes that you’re getting dementia, like really young?
He looks at me with an air of discontent, he’s either really confused or really pissed off that I’ve left at least fifteen locker doors wide open.
Me:……………..Oh, just me forgetting which locker I used, like….How do you forget that?
Silence was my response.
Eventually I find my locker, I let out an inadvertently loud “AAAAHA!” I grab my bag, then immediately drop my keys, water bottle and shoes on the floor. “Oh fuck!” I gasp as the water bottle leaks everywhere. Cleaner less impressed.
Me:…………….I think I may have Parkinsons really young too.
Probably not going gym again.
Gym woes part 2.
Dan Reed is socially inept and should not be allowed in public: Volume 8.
Back at the gym! Late night session this time, on my way out though, nature calls and I need to pee.
Now, fun fact about my gym. The lockers and toilets are shut between the hours of midnight and 4am, leaving me to have to use the disabled loos.
I pee, I’m happy. Life is good. I pull the little flush.
I pull again. Again. Nothing.
I wonder why the hell the flush isn’t working, then I wonder why they have a weird red, stringy flush anyway. Then I realise….
I look at the toilet. There’s the flush. I was pulling the fucking “Help me I’m disabled, fallen over and can’t get up” cord.
In blind panic, I turn to leave, open the door and someone’s seemingly coming on the way to my aid.
IT WAS THE SAME FUCKING CLEANER FROM BEFORE.
Our eyes lock, I’m like a deer in the headlights of my apparent new nemesis. I try to think of something to say that isn’t “I pulled the disabled cord because I’m a fucking moron”
Me:……………………I, uh….Was just practising for if I ever become disabled.
He fucking hates me.
To top it off, I didn’t actually pull the real flush.
Dan Reed is socially inept Volume 9.
In Sainsburys, getting me some water because I’m a fucking healthy son of a gun now (Disregarding the entire packet of burger bites I demolished earlier today).
A bloke in a wheelchair is in need of a hero, today that hero was I.
Wheelchair Guy: S’cuse me I don’t suppose you could pass me down a 2 litre bottle, please?
Me: Oh! Certainly sir! Are we a sparkling man, or still?
Me: Makes sense actually.
Bolted off faster than ever, which looking back probably just rubbed salt in the wound.
Just saw one of those fancy wedding cars slowly drive by. I, for some ungodly reasons show my support for the couple by doing a little applause making what I can only describe as prolonged eye contact with the driver.
Turns out the happily married couple weren’t even in the car, so apparently I’m just showing my support to some blokes career choice.
Panicking, I then turn my applause into an awkward wave. I don’t know why.
Bonus train status.
If you’re worried about having something horrifying happen to you, please take into consideration the fact that a fluorescent pink condom pack just fell out my wallet whilst showing the train woman my ticket.
Doesn’t help that I tried to make light of the situation by saying “well, they do say safe travels”. To a silent, judgemental train.
So there you have it, definitive proof that in certain social situations I crumble like a digestive biscuit.
It’s probably not too long before an update comes raging through, so keep an eye on this blog. 😉